Sage Life Chapter Memo #2

Photo of Project SAGE taken during our recent Annual Vigil.

I wrote Sage Life Chapter Memo #1 in mid July. Three months have gone by and I’ve officially completed my first 90 days.

It’s quite amazing to reflect back on it all.

This time last year, I was preparing for my final event with WAM. Since then, I’ve stepped down from that role, had a nearly five month sabbatical and started a whole new job in a new sector. Whirlwind.

I continue to feel the effects of such a large transition.

On the positive side, I’m really enjoying the learning curve of a new sector and am feeling immense meaning in my new role. I love the building I get to work in, the office I spend my time in and the nature I see all day long on my commute and through the windows. The staff are all dedicated and warm people and the board is engaged and passionate. I also am saving money faster than ever before - am halfway to my retirement IRA contribution limit for the year and will be paying off my car this week! I am noticing all kinds of new mental and physical health benefits connected to earning the salary I need to earn at this point in my life in order to set myself up for the future. Feeling blessed.

I also have moments of whiplash as I’m reminded of this massive change in my life. I am so grateful to be part of the Berkshires/Columbia County Pay Equity Project, which keeps me engaged with the arts community. I am grateful for the moments I get with my beloved arts friends. I hate to say it, but I am finding it to be true so far that people in the arts simply communicate differently - and that method of communication is one that I need and am missing. There’s a different instant heart connection, the ability to connect on a soul level and an openness to vulnerability and connection that I haven’t yet experienced on the same level in the ‘real world’. Any other folks out there experience that when you switched sectors? Some of that is due to the boundaries I am setting as a new leader and some is simply being with non arts folks. I miss that. I’m trying to figure out how to cultivate that and I’ve started to meet some folks in my new world that may fill that hole. In the meantime, I continue to prioritize my social health with my beloved arts community.

I continue to enjoy getting to know the Northwest Corner of Connecticut, which is very different than the Berkshires in many ways and also very similar.

I continue to get immense pride each time I see an announcement from WAM- the celebration of 15 years, the opening for three new full-time jobs (which is incredible and so needed!) - or hear lovely things from folks about how my name has come up connected to the integrity and warmth of that organization and how that’s being carried forward by the new chapter of staff and leadership. That fills me with such pride, meaning and joy.

On the hard days, I remind myself that just because I’m not hearing from people, that doesn’t mean I’m forgotten. People’s lives just carry on. People are busy. I remind myself that just because I’m not contributing as a creative artist right now in the ways I have in the past, that doesn’t mean I’ve lost those skills or that there aren’t new opportunities I haven’t even dreamed of waiting around the corner in the future.

On the good days, I feel a sense of inner peace I’ve never, ever experienced. I am proud of myself for prioritizing my own health and wellness in a new way, I revel in the time I have to stare out the window and enjoy nature and the brain space I can use for other things. I feel amazement at the fact that I don’t miss the theatre. Sometimes, even just thinking about doing it right now gives me a message from my body, mind and spirit that it simply doesn’t have the ability to participate in that again right now. I am also beginning to recognize how having this time away from the theatre is incredibly valuable. How, if I ever went back, the knowledge and learning I’m gaining by looking at it from the outside will make me a better artistic leader. That feels priceless and important.

On the hard days, I continue the grief journey I have with theatre, where I question it’s ability to be healthy. I ask myself as I learn more in my new line of work - is being in the theatre akin to being in an unhealthy, abusive and exploitative relationship? I look back at my past, I sit in the feelings I am currently having around it all, I look at my hard working colleagues, I see productions built on the backs of folks not being paid equitable wages or working reasonable hours and I sincerely wonder.

On the good days, I remember the stories we get to tell, the ongoing consent we make to being in these careers, the way that theatre has been a life saver to so many folks who choose a career in it and I remember the importance of the impact we make and how some of the impacts of this industry are connected to those larger systems of oppression that are so hard to break and that reminds me why I still love it.

It is also true that not all of my new life is good or healthy…. I am continually experiencing the normal hardships of a leadership transition- interpersonal dynamic challenges, the challenging journey of some staff and board deciding my brand of leadership isn’t for them, all the other regular hardships of running a non-profit that sometimes make it hard to sleep at night. My own insecurities rear up often and sometimes start taking over as I find my way while making some errors or missteps in decisions or behavior and then questioning my ability to succeed in this role or as a leader and going down the rabbit hole of ‘I suck’ or ‘I simply can’t do this.’ Those days and times are really hard.

My wellness practices and my community continue to be my saviors in those moments. Knowing I can call a dear friend, my family or beau and talk, share or cry and be held in those moments is a life saver. Knowing I can open my meditation app or go for a hike in nature always helps make it better too. Reminding myself to have self compassion and that I am not alone in all these feelings. Definitely not alone in those feelings. All of that helps immensely.

With all that said, while there have been unexpected and expected surprises, my accomplishments in my new job in my first three months have been vast and I’m very proud of them. From raising new funds to implementing new protocols to hiring new staff and attending community events, a lot has been achieved. I truly love being a leader and learning how to be a more effective leader, even when it’s hard. My greatest achievement is that I’m working less hard than I did at WAM. Therefore, it was amazing that recently, in my 90 day review, the new board president encouraged me to slow down. That felt pretty incredible to hear. Yes, I said, I’d love to slow down. And I absolutely would.

I look forward to that in the next few months, as I continue to be grateful for all the blessings of this new life and continue to call on all of my resources when things get hard, as they inevitably do for us all at times.

The Sage journey continues…. one day at at time….

Onwards and Upwards:)